Mortality

My father called me Thursday from a hospital in Denver, Colorado. I was surprised to hear from him since he was on vacation. His vacation was cut short because of mysterious pains he was having in his chest, so he went to the ER. He had my attention now and I figured everything was cool since he was calling me himself and sounded fine. But what he told me next sent fear through my spine, the kind of fear you get moments after a startling scene in a scary movie, the kind of fear you have after waking up from an out of control dream that left you in a cold sweat. Ever had that feeling?

My dad was admitted to the ER and they couldn't discover the source of his pains. They were worried about his heart though, see, about ten years ago when he was 52 my father suffered a severe heart attack. The incident led him to quad-bypass surgery which would drastically alter his life from then on. Usually, if you make it eight years after heart surgery you are in the clear so to speak. Not that you aren't still cautious of heart related things, but you have a great chance of long life if the eight year mark is passed. Here we were at ten and he is back in the hospital with what appears to be heart related pains.

The truth, after multiple MRI's and stress tests, was that my dad's gall bladder was bad, which in turn aggravated his liver, which in turn aggravated his heart and made his MRI look bad. It was imperative that this 62 year old get surgery, fast. Each step of the process was critical, even though this type of surgery is so common and rarely serious. I spoke with him on several occasions and each time he sounded groggy and depressed. I wondered if he would make it through this procedure.

The entire time between calls I wrestled with the fragilness of life. What if my dad died on the table? What if he emerged, but was never the same physically? What if I am prone to the poor heart problems of my grandfather, uncle, and father? I admit, I began to think more about myself than my poor father on the eve of his surgery. What a weekend.

My father made it through surgery well, and I spoke to him Sunday afternoon. He sounded better, but had endured great pain through stress tests, allergic reactions and gall stones. He is a fragile man at a young age, will this be my fate too?

Each of us considers his own mortality at times in his life. Whether it is during a movie, watching a real accident occur, or having a loved one die the thoughts can paralyze. As a 32 year old I have a reckless view on mortality; I don't fear death and even mock it at times. I have never had any near-death experiences and have only buried grandparents, not a parent or sibling or child or spouse. But this event shook me. I am not sure what ramifications this "scare" will have on me this coming week?

What perceptions do you have on death right now? If you're like me, you don't ever think about it. Tomorrow, a friend of mine, Tarah, will address the student body here at the University I work at and tell her story of how her husband (of 1 year) died on the table at the hospital both of them worked at as health professionals. Her story is gut wrenching and unbelievable, wrought with emotional pain so twisted that it has wrapped itself around everything she is. I got a taste of that this weekend.

Take a moment and be honest about mortality, is your view one that claims, "Life is short, so play hard." Or even, "I have so long, why worry about that?" Whatever your philosophy, you will die one day in this flesh. How do you feel about that?